Reclaiming Your Identity

Who are you when nobody needs anything from you? That single question can stop a high-functioning people pleaser in their tracks, because so many of us learn to survive by being useful, agreeable, and endlessly flexible. When that becomes your default, it can look like a strength while quietly draining your joy and blurring your identity.

We talk through what’s really happening under the habits: how the “constructed self” forms to meet everyone else’s expectations, how the truest parts of you get buried over time, and why the authentic self isn’t something you build from scratch but something you return to. Along the way, we lean on identity coaching questions that cut through performance, including what you loved as a child, what play used to look like, what makes you feel most like you, and what you’ve been waiting for permission to be.

Subscribe, share this with a friend who needs it, and please leave a rating and review so more people can find the show.

Where to find me: 
Connect with me on Instagram
Check out my website 
Sign up for a free consult

Transcript

Speaker 0:00

Hey Bestie, how are you? How is June going so far? Mine has been pretty chill. The dance season is over, so I'm just hanging out with, you know, you all. And I'm making content and I'm doing podcasts, and I'm just like living life. It's been good. So today I want to start with a question. As you know, asking powerful questions is really what coaching is all about. And I want to invite you into that experience a little more deeply. So the

The Question That Reveals Identity

Speaker 0:32

question is: who are you when nobody needs anything from you? Not the person everyone depends on, not the person that holds it all down in a crisis. Who are you? If that question stumps you a little, then you have found yourself in the exact right place today. Today is all about identity. The one that sits under all of the habits and patterns we've been talking about. Because here's what happens to the people pleasers identity over time. It slowly disappears until one day you don't even really know who you are anymore. When you spend years adapting yourself to fit what everyone else needs, you get very good at being a reflection of other people. You learn to read a room, you learn to sense what's needed and become it. You become endlessly flexible, endlessly

How People Pleasing Erases You

Speaker 1:24

accommodating, endlessly available. And on the outside, that can look like a superpower, but on the inside, it feels like disappearing. This has been particularly hard for me over the past few years, trying to unmask and really get back to who I was before I started pretending. I was so busy being someone for everyone else that who I am never made it to the top of the list. This is work I do consistently, and it's work that I do with my clients that helps them step into their own authority and start to become the person that they have been hiding from. So who are you? Let's talk a little bit about the three selves. The first one is the constructed self. This is who you became, the version of you that was built in response to everyone around you. This is the good girl. This is the fixer, the reliable one, the one who never makes a fuss, the one who never asks for too much, the one who never takes up more space than they're allowed to. Now, this self is real.

The Three Selves Explained

Speaker 2:33

This self has done some stuff. My constructed self has built an entire life for me, and I'm grateful to them for that, but it's just not sustainable, especially once you see the reality of the situation. Then there is the self that got buried, the desires that felt too big, the opinions you swallowed, the dreams you didn't mention because you already knew they'd be dismissed, the parts of you that were told directly or indirectly that they were too much or not acceptable. It's that part of you that went underground and that has been waiting to see the light of day. Then there is the authentic self. And this is not a self that you need to build from scratch, but it's a self that you return to. This is the you that you were before the world started telling you who to be. And the real work that we're doing, it's remembering that self. So how do we even do that? Well, we start with questions. It always starts with questions. What did you enjoy as a child? How did you play? Play is such an important part of this work. There are so many ways to play that I think we've forgotten about as we've grown to this big age. I like to do puzzles. And I like to get out all my unicorns and line them up and like look at them and just be with them. These are things I also did as a child. I actually

Returning Through Play And Childhood Clues

Speaker 4:03

found a picture of all my Barbies just lined up together. And I like put them on display and took a picture of them. It's wild. I also like to dance, believe it or not. But I like to dance for myself, not for anyone else, not for work, not because somebody needs me to, but just because I like moving my body. So how can you incorporate more play into your life? What would your inner child like to do most? Some other great questions are what have you always secretly believed about yourself, but never said out loud because you were afraid of what other people would think? I love that question. What makes you feel most like yourself? Not what makes you feel most useful, not what makes you feel most needed or most impressive, but most genuinely like you. And of course, to tie it back to the core of this work, what have you been waiting for permission to be? I know for me, I was really waiting to be the authority of my own life. I felt like for so long that other people knew what was best for me. I was always looking outside myself for answers to these kinds of questions. It's been so rewarding to look within for the answers instead of crowdsourcing them. And you don't have to answer all these questions today. I'm still working through them myself. But you have to start asking yourself because you'll

Permission, Authority, And Looking Within

Speaker 5:32

never know the answers if you don't. This work is not a one and done. It happens over time. It's like peeling away the layers of an onion. Every question you answer is another layer you uncover. I also think it's so important to know that you have not lost yourself. I know it can feel that way. I know there are days when you look at your life and you genuinely cannot find yourself in it, when everything you do is for someone else and there is nothing left over that feels like yours, but you did not lose you. You just went quiet for a while. You stopped speaking up. But you can start again, as Aaliyah would say. You could dust it off and try again, try again. You can do this. So your homework for the week, right, is to sit down with one of these questions. Just be with it, see what comes up. No performing, no hiding, just you. And let yourself be surprised by the answers. No judgment. All right, friend, that's all I've got for you today. It's been good talking

You Are Still Here Plus Homework

Speaker 6:46

to you. As always, if you could rate and review, that would be so helpful. And if you're looking to do this work more deeply, reach out to me. I'm here for you. All right, bye.