You Need a Coach B*tch
In this weekly podcast, Certifed Coach Instructor Chris Hale keeps it real and sassy to help you claim your own authority and put the biggest, brightest, most unapologetic version of yourself out into the world.
You Need a Coach B*tch
You Can't Save the Rainforest If You're Depressed: Lessons from KC Davis
After months of struggling with depression and grief, KC Davis' book "How to Keep House While Drowning" became my lifeline by offering compassionate, practical advice for managing daily tasks when overwhelmed.
Some takeaways:
• Care tasks like cleaning and laundry are morally neutral – not good or bad
• Shame-based motivation leads to shame-based rest, creating a harmful cycle
• "Laziness" doesn't exist – executive function challenges explain task difficulties
• Being kind to your future self by preparing things ahead of time
• Functional systems matter more than aesthetically pleasing ones
• You can't save the world when you're struggling to save yourself
If you're struggling or know someone who is, I highly recommend picking up "How to Keep House While Drowning" – it offers practical approaches to care tasks that are functional, kind, and accessible.
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Hey, bestie, it's been a minute. How are you? I hope you're doing well. Well, as well as you can be considering the moment that we're in right now. I'm doing okay.
Speaker 1:I have to admit I've been on the struggle bus for the past few months. Depression and grief really caught up with me, and I've been hibernating most of the winter, and what I want to talk about today is one of the things that's really helped me get through some of the most recent dark days, and that is a book called how to Keep House While Drowning by Casey Davis. This book is truly a godsend, and what I love about it is that, in a way, it's a truly helpful book that is sort of anti-self-help At least, it's anti in the way that self-help has been packaged and sold to us. You're not going to find any advice on how to think your way out of depression or whatever else is going on that has you feeling like you're drowning. There's no gimmick, there's no product being sold, just none of that. The book is filled with so much compassion and real-time practical advice for when you're in a space where you're just overwhelmed and like coming undone by the life around you. And yes, it is about cleaning your house, but it's about so much more than that. It's about being human and treating ourselves as though we are, instead of the way that we've been taught to believe we're robots and that we can just keep on going, no matter what we have going on in our lives. At the very core, I would say this book is about how to care for ourselves, and about doing that with love and compassion and kindness.
Speaker 1:The very first chapter she talks about how care tasks are morally neutral, and we are very big around here on not moralizing things that don't need to be. There is nothing good or bad about cleaning your house, feeding yourself or doing laundry. That is all morally neutral, and so is the mess around you. She talks a lot about how, when we view these things as moral, we tend to do them out of shame. Right, like when everything is tidy and in its place, you don't feel like a failure, but when it's not, you do. She also says that if we are motivating out of shame, then we're probably also resting in shame, because care tasks never end and we view rest as a reward for being quote unquote good. This idea blew my mind, like I can recall the many times that I've been trying to rest but the to-do list of never ending tasks is blew my mind, like I can recall the many times that I've been trying to rest but the to-do list of never-ending tasks is calling my name. And if I hadn't like done anything like productive, whether it be housework or any other kind of work that, like I was just being lazy. Well, casey also doesn't believe in laziness, and neither do I.
Speaker 1:There are all sorts of reasons that we're unable to accomplish things, and especially for us neuro spicy folks, like executive function plays a big part in why we have trouble completing tasks. When you have issues with focus, planning, organizing, etc. Just starting a task can be difficult. Time blindness can have us unaware of how long something's going to take or how long we've been doing something, and transitions are hard for us. So finishing tasks and moving on to other tasks can be impossible.
Speaker 1:Another thing that she has us tap into is something that we've talked about before, and that is doing things from and for the perspective of our future self. So when we talk about it, we often talk about it in terms of like envisioning the person that has accomplished what we want to and feeling into that state of emotion that we would be in as a way to motivate ourselves into action. And what Casey wants us to do is she wants us to be kind to our future selves. That looks like setting our future selves up for the things that we want for them. She gives the example of prepping the kitchen the night before for her husband, who would be getting their kids up for breakfast in the morning. She wanted the space to be cleared for him. She realized she deserves that same amount of kindness for the mornings when she was doing the breakfast shift. So nighttime prep becomes a kindness to her morning self. Now, this isn't a magic trick that works every time, but I have found myself really leaning into this kind of future thinking Now. Sometimes I'm not organized enough or I think about the way I want to prep things for future me, but then I literally forget about it, like hello ADHD even more important, because it is really easy to beat myself up in those moments. But practicing kindness in one area of my life has allowed me to access it in other areas. One of the other things she does in the book is point out the realities of life and the way all of our lives look different. No, we don't all have the same 24 hours in a day, and that's okay.
Speaker 1:Most self-help gurus are really just selling you on what worked for them, without highlighting the privileges that may have been involved in helping them be successful. They attribute their success to their own hard work, without acknowledging their many advantages, like she gives the example of a 20-year-old fitness influencer just needing to add a little bit of effort to her routine to see changes in her health. Well, I remember being 20 and it didn't take a lot to stay in shape. I had no responsibilities and I got to dance all day, every day. Of course, I was in amazing shape. It takes a lot more now than just effort to do those things at almost 44 years old. We are not a one size fits all kind of species. What works great for one person may not for others. Like I was able to like Marie Kondo my underwear drawer, but like that's pretty much all that process worked for, because it's just one small, simple space that I have complete control over. Right? Not all spaces are the same and keeping that level of organization in the rest of the house is in itself a full job that I have no interest in taking on when there are other things that need my attention.
Speaker 1:In the book there's a real emphasis on things being functional over things being pretty, and we all love things to be nice and neat, but that isn't always the most functional, like. One of her laundry tricks is that if it doesn't need to be folded or hung up, it doesn't get folded or hung up. Clean clothes live in bins and everyone dresses out of those bins. This is functional for her family. I've been thinking a lot about what is functional for me and my husband. There are weeks when I fold my clothes and weeks where I live out of a laundry basket. Laundry is probably my least favorite chore and therefore it gets the least attention, but keeping the kitchen clean and organized is very functional, because we cook all of our food at home. That takes priority, and I'm sure that there can be better systems employed for that space, which I will continue to explore from a place of self-compassion and curiosity as time goes on.
Speaker 1:The last thing that I want to talk about that really struck me is a chapter titled you Can't Save the Rainforest If You're Depressed. That really spoke to me. The very first line of the chapter says you are not responsible for saving the world if you're struggling to save yourself Like hello. I've spent so much time beating myself up for not doing a better job like recycling, while I'm literally sleeping 12 hours a night and then spending another four hours a day in bed fighting to survive, and I love that. She very compassionately gives us the benefit of the doubt and acknowledging that, like when we are functioning again, we're going to be able to like once again do good in the world, but that, like doing good for the world first is not the priority. Doing good for ourselves first and getting ourselves to that place of functioning is the most important thing. This message has meant a lot to me over the past three months as I've struggled to do the bare minimum of caring for myself and fulfilling all of my other responsibilities.
Speaker 1:I needed this message, probably more than I actually knew. So I could go on and on and on about this book. This is just a taste of what really spoke to me. There are also amazing suggestions for how to actually approach care tasks in ways that are functional and kind and accessible. She talks a lot about systemic inequality and its contribution to us not always being able to manage the things that need to be managed. She talks about how we have become so individualized and lack any kind of like outside support that other cultures have baked into their daily lives. It's a really good read and I highly recommend it. Whether or not you find yourself in a situation where you yourself are drowning I hope you never do but it can also give you some insight into what those of us who find ourselves here more often than we'd like are going through. All right bestie, until next time. I hope you have a beautiful day.