You Need a Coach B*tch

Seeking Forgivness

• Chris Hale • Episode 105

Share episode

Why is it so hard to forgive? In this episode, we unravel forgiveness's complex, deeply personal nature. We shed light on the concept of releasing the futile hope that the past could be different, a crucial step for moving forward. We explore the delicate dance between wishing for a different past and accepting it, emphasizing that true healing can occur even in the absence of forgiveness. Delving into the necessity and challenges of forgiveness for personal peace, we acknowledge that thriving without forgiveness is entirely possible. We also spotlight the importance of sincere apologies and accountability, stressing that these elements are vital for mending relationships and fostering genuine healing.

Where to find me:
Connect with me on Instagram
Check out my website
Sign up for a free consult
LinkTree


Speaker 1:

Hey Bestie, how are you? Things are a bit chaotic in my life right now. I made the decision to start teaching dance again and I have been adjusting to that schedule for the past few weeks. It's kind of weird to have so much muscle memory for something but to be so out of the habit of doing it. It's like this weird mindfuck. Like I know what I want to be doing but I don't always have the capability of doing it. Like I know what my routines could look like, but getting back into that has been kind of a struggle, like when to go grocery shopping and prepping meals and thinking days in advance and planning for adequate downtime and just managing the logistics of life. It's a lot, but the only way to get better at it is to do it. So we are managing and I just want to give a shout out to anyone else that is on the struggle bus as it pertains to getting back into the rhythm of whatever you find yourself doing right now. Happy fall.

Speaker 1:

Today I want to talk about forgiveness. This topic came up in a coaches group that I'm in and I just love when coaches geek out on a topic like this. It's so much fun. There were so many amazing, thoughtful responses to the original post, and I wanted to bring this topic to you all. It's also, as per usual, a bit of a personal to bring this topic to you all. It's also, as per usual, a bit of a personal thing, as I recently had to apologize for something and I'm so grateful for all the tools that I have in helping me to navigate that. So the post that I'm referencing was asking if it's necessary to forgive in order to heal, and I just love this question so much. I'd be really interested to hear what some of y'all think about the question. I think the most interesting response for me was someone that mentioned that when they're working with clients on this, they ask them what does forgiveness mean to you in this situation? Because, like, for sure, right, forgiveness is not just one thing. It can look like something different to everyone. To some, forgiveness means making the decision to continue on in a relationship after an event of broken trust, and to others, it can mean releasing that relationship and with it, the feelings of hurt that exist. So I first want you to think about that for yourself. Like, what does it mean to forgive and what, maybe even is the purpose of forgiveness? And then also, what does it mean to heal? Because that's also a part of the conversation.

Speaker 1:

I have to say I've always liked Oprah's take on forgiveness. She says that forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could be any different. This is very clear to me as a definition and it really resonates both for helping me decide to forgive and to not forgive, because I do believe that some things are unforgivable when looked at through this context. Right, I can wish the past had been different, so that I can acknowledge the unfairness in that and I can acknowledge the pain that I'm experiencing because of it, and that's really important to do. But I can also decide not to dwell on that, and the dwelling is where we get into trouble.

Speaker 1:

There's this slight nuance in the situation around holding on to the past versus letting go of the past, versus arguing with the past, etc. So Byron Keeney says that we shouldn't argue with the past because that we'll lose 100% of the time, and what that means is that, like the past happened and we can't unhappen it. So when we start trying to argue with the past, like, oh my God, this shouldn't have happened, this shouldn't have happened, we're going to lose that battle because it did happen. But to me there is a difference in wishing someone had not broken your trust and believing that it should not have happened. One to me feels a bit lighter. Saying I wish you hadn't betrayed me acknowledges the very real feelings that come up when trust is broken. The other one, like saying you shouldn't have broken my trust. This just keeps you in a loop of denying what has happened. It's very hard to move on from this shouldn't have happened. But I do believe it's possible to move on from I wish this hadn't happened. So that's where I think I kind of separate out the two and they're different to me and I can move on and heal, even if I'm saying I wish you hadn't betrayed me.

Speaker 1:

I think it's very possible to heal from betrayal and to not forgive or when we're in the I wish you hadn't done it Right. So if it's in the case of like, say, infidelity, I would say most people would wish they hadn't been cheated on. So it's possible to hold on to wishing the past had been different and with that acknowledge the very real pain of the past, but to move forward without holding on to the past. Then we get to decide what healing looks like from a place of holding space for our pain. So healing might look like walking away from the relationship, but it might look like staying as well, but then the other person needs to step up and do work on their side to repair. So what does repair look like? Well, you also get to decide what you need from your partner in the scenario.

Speaker 1:

But I think repair always starts with a sincere apology. And a sincere apology is one where we take accountability and don't make excuses for what we did. I've been in situations where I was betrayed and the person on the other end was unable to apologize to me without justifying their behavior. And I cannot tell you how hurtful it is to have someone essentially say I'm sorry but right, like we've all been in that situation where someone's apologized in that way and truthfully, the but negates anything before it. It's like you might as well not have said I'm sorry, because if you're going to just justify your actions, it means you're not really sorry for what you did and you can't really see the gravity of it.

Speaker 1:

And so I've learned through lots of therapy and coaching how to advocate for myself in situations of betrayal. And when I was betrayed, I really wanted to move past the betrayal and I knew the kind of apology that I deserved. I also believed in the ability of the person on the other end to change. I believed that they could hear me when I told them that their attempts at repair were not good enough. I learned not to shrink myself down and to be able to recognize when I needed something to change in the situation. And I'm happy to say that we were able to get there and we have been able to move past the situation and begin healing our relationship together. Think that would have happened if I hadn't been able to really stand up for myself and say like no, I need you to acknowledge what you've done without a whole list of caveats.

Speaker 1:

Now, in the scenario I was just in where I broke someone's trust, that really looked like me taking accountability for my actions and not trying to explain them away. So I sent a message of an apology that centered the person that I had wronged and I didn't make any excuses, and that apology sounded like this I'm very sorry for what I have done. It was careless and not something I am proud of. It was wrong of me and I deeply regret it. I'm so sorry for the pain it's causing you and how this has negatively impacted you. So sorry for the pain it's causing you and how this has negatively impacted you. Full stop, right. There is nothing more to say.

Speaker 1:

And when I send an apology like that, I feel like I've cleaned up my side of the street Now. I was extremely nervous to send this text, but I knew that it was necessary because what I did was wrong and I don't know if my relationship with this person will be okay. We weren't super close to begin with and now my actions may have jeopardized the possibility of that ever happening, but I can live with that. Knowing that I stepped up to make amends, I feel good about that. Knowing that I stepped up to make amends, I feel good about that, and I don't feel the need to beat myself up for making a mistake. I'm only human. I did something wrong and I owned it. That's all we can ever do. So if you're in a situation right now where you've made a mistake, just admit you made the mistake and make your sincere apology, and not beat yourself up for doing a very, very human thing. We're all going to make mistakes in our life. We're all going to have things that we feel like we need to make amends for.

Speaker 1:

And then the last thing I want to say on this is that I think it's important to acknowledge that forgiveness might be a process, because our emotions are not this linear thing that we can control. So if you're trying to forgive someone, you have to allow yourself to go through the stages of grieving that are necessary when someone shows up in a way that you were not expecting. It is going to take some time. There will be waves of anger and hurt, bargaining, denial, like all of that stuff. You are human and you need to give yourself some grace. Not forgiving someone doesn't make you a bad person. It's not going to make you toxic. It's not going to like like work some kind of voodoo magic on you where, like, your life is terrible because you can't come to the place of forgiveness.

Speaker 1:

I think that we get into this place where we think that holding on to any kind of negative emotion is bad for us and sometimes we need to express that emotion right. We don't need to hold on to it. We don't need to like ruminate in our anger, but we need to feel our anger. We have the right, as human beings, to express our anger in a way that's not abusive and as long as we're doing that, we can make sure that, like, we're okay with ourselves, but we do have to do it, and at the end of the day, we truly do forgive for ourselves. They can help us to move forward with peace if that feels like the right thing for us to do.

Speaker 1:

But, like I said before, I do think it's entirely possible to move forward without it and for us to be happy and live great lives and prosper and all those things. So those are my thoughts on forgiveness, for seeking forgiveness, for bringing forgiveness into your heart, if that feels like the right thing for you to do. What are your thoughts about this? I would love to hear more points of view on forgiveness, both from the perspective of seeking it and granting it. All right, friends, I hope that you have an amazing day and we'll talk soon. Bye.