You Need a Coach B*tch

Achievable Goals

• Chris Hale • Episode 102

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In this episode, I navigate the crucial topic of setting achievable goals, particularly through the lens of my recent ADHD diagnosis. Reflecting on past ambitions rooted in ableism, I unravel how those unrealistic goals led to burnout and share my journey toward more sustainable and compassionate goal-setting practices.  By challenging the idea that we need to set  "impossible goals," I discuss the significance of focusing on the process over the end result and how critical it is to tailor our timelines to our current life circumstances. 

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Speaker 1:

Hey, bestie, I hope you are doing well. I'm doing pretty good over here. I wanted to give a little Benjamin update for those of you who reached out to me about him. He's actually doing so much better. He really rallied and everything's going pretty well. It turned out that he was anemic, dehydrated, had some kind of infection, his liver was, his liver numbers were down and it was just this whole like perfect storm of all of these things kind of coming together at once that really had us worried about him. He was very weak, uh, and we were just kind of thinking maybe he had taken a turn, um, that he wasn't going to bounce back from. But he has bounced back, so we're really grateful for that. I'm definitely not delusional. I know we're still like very close to the end, probably because he is like almost 19 years old, so it's very old for a dog. But right now he's happy, he's eating, he's doing all the things he's supposed to be doing. He's a. He's doing all the things he's supposed to be doing. He's a little blinder than he was before, so he's definitely very adorably bumping into things all over the house, but he still seems to be doing well and his spirits seem high. So yay for that.

Speaker 1:

Today I want to revisit a conversation around goals. So I've been thinking a lot about this lately. I know we talked about this around the new year in regard to not picking resolutions that are just self-criticism in disguise, and now I want to take the goal conversation a step further. It seems I kind of go through phases of interacting with certain information and like I had an entire goal setting curriculum for my dancers that I'm pretty sure I even talked about on my other podcast, the dance coach podcast, when I was producing that. But then I kind of got away from that process and I actually stopped teaching dance on a regular basis. So I really got away from the process and I got like new and different tools and I went through life coaching, certification and all this new information came in. You know what I mean. So I'm kind of circling back to something that was a part of that process that I had sort of forgotten about, maybe strategically so, but we can talk about that another time.

Speaker 1:

But anyway, I'm sure that most of you have heard of the idea of SMART goals and if not, you can Google them and see what they're about. But that was a part of my process. I used the idea of SMART goals, and it stands for specific, measurable, achievable, relevant and time bound Pretty self-explanatory, I would say. Now, there are parts of this that I've definitely kept in mind while working with my clients and thinking about my own goals, but the one that I want to talk about today is achievable. This means something completely different to me now, post-adhd diagnosis, I realized that a lot of my goals were based on a version of myself that is not real. I've made plans for myself based on this version of me and I've not been able to see those plans through to fruition, for a very good reason. Quite frankly, these goals were extremely ableist and I was never going to be able to get there, or at least not get there in a way that was sustainable or very healthy. So, for instance, I always believe that I'm going to be able to add more to my plate as I go along, and that's consistently not been the case, and I've refused to see it until now, and SoulCycle is actually the perfect example of that, and I don't know if this is because I got COVID right as training was ending or just where I'm at in this phase of life, but I have not been able to get back to the level of fitness that I was at during training. In fact, I actually feel like my body is kind of rebelling against me and the demand that I'm putting on it. So I actually decided that I'm going to resign from SoulCycle after doing it only for eight months. It's just what I really need to do for my body.

Speaker 1:

But let's back up for a second, because why this is a great example is because when I got on the schedule, I started out with four permanent classes and the idea would be that I would also sub, and with each new month when it was time to hand in my subbing availability, I found myself unable to give any extra time because I just didn't feel like I was capable of doing more than those four classes. I was absolutely at my max and I really thought this was going to improve. I was like certain of it. I thought I was going to be able to start to ride more outside my own schedule and basically get back of, like, some of what I lost in terms of fitness level and that things would just eventually start to get easier. But that was not an attainable goal for me because I wasn't considering all the other factors and I certainly wasn't honoring my body in the setting of that goal.

Speaker 1:

As time went on, my body started to really break down. My hips started bothering me and I was going to PT for that and it's still not resolved. So I need to take that to the next step, which is seeing a doctor. I rolled my ankle in the winter and I've sprained that ankle probably three times and it started acting up again and I just found myself being really afraid to take the podium and I definitely wasn't able to do anything extra outside of my own class schedule to be able to start to build back up that stamina and to add to it, I'm now much more aware of my sensory needs and how much I've been masking my entire life.

Speaker 1:

So now that I see all of that, it's very clear to me that this is really not the best job for me. It requires me to work too hard to override my nervous system, and I shouldn't be doing that in the first place. Right Like I don't want to be overriding my nervous system, I don't want to be dissociating to be able to get through, and I found myself needing to do that for many different reasons. It's very loud, it's very bright. It requires me to interact with a lot of different people in a very short amount of time, be it the staff at the studio, all of the writers, the other instructors, like there is this degree to which I'm required to have, you know, relationships with these people. That is actually really difficult for me, and especially trying to do it through like a neurotypical way, which you know, I'm working on not having to like do that, and. But there's just certain things right, like one of the things that was really stressed in training was like really paying attention to the riders and making eye contact with them, and now eye contact is really hard for me. So I'm, you know, trying to connect with people, but I'm doing it in a way that goes against what feels natural to me and so like it is requiring me to do so much of this override. So doing all of that has really just thrust me into a new flavor of burnout. So like I was already burnt out We've talked about that and I've been managing, like, the depression and the anxiety, like medically, and also trying to, you know, do therapy and thought work and all of those things, but I again kept finding myself in this cycle of burnout. That then I would repeat and then this was just another example of that that I've really put myself into a position where it burns me out quite quickly on a weekly, daily basis.

Speaker 1:

Another example of this in my own life is anytime I've tried to work more to earn more, I set myself up in a way that's completely unsustainable. So, like when I was full time at the life coach school, I was also still teaching dance, I was doing extra choreography, I was trying to take care of, like, the house, my dog, all the things. I was working like 60 hours a week and commuting and I did make the most money I've ever made that year, but at what cost, right? I think I'm actually sort of still recovering from how much I was overextending myself in 2021. And this has been consistent over my lifetime. Like when my husband and I had our training program in New York City. I was teaching dance three days a week. I was teaching the program three days a week. I actually that's when I started at SoulCycle in 2013. We had that program and again I was trying to do more to earn more and I ended up again in a cycle of burnout when I quit in 2015,. I really had to pull back in a cycle of burnout. When I quit in 2015, I really had to pull back on a lot of ways. We ended our program Like I just I had to keep like taking things away in order for me to just be able to do the minimum, and this is why I can see now that I was setting these goals from this unrealistic place that wasn't.

Speaker 1:

I wasn't even able to know all the things I needed to take into account right, like I used to. I would call them my stress naps, but really it was just me needing to completely shut down. Like I would get up in the morning, I would do whatever I had to do in the morning and then, before I had to do my commute, I would like it would have to lay down for at least an hour and I would literally pass out. And I think it was like a way for me to reset and to not take in so much information. I realized that now. I realize now that, like I'm constantly taking in so much information, my brain is constantly moving at this like really rapid pace and the only way to stop that was actually to just shut my body down, and it was. It was a survival instinct. It was a tactic to help me be able to like try to sustain this rate that I, this pace and this rate that like just was not healthy for me.

Speaker 1:

So what does this mean about the way we set goals? Well, we still want to make sure we like our reason and that you know we aren't setting like change-based goals from a place of unworthiness. Right, if you want to revisit that conversation, go back to that New Year's episode about resolutions as self-disguised, as self-criticism. That's a really great place to start with that. But now we also want to be bringing in other factors that we want to consider, right, when we're considering what our goals are. And, honestly, we can take the like intuitive scheduling approach in our goal setting, right? So, the same way we think about what's going to like intuitively feel best for our schedule and taking into account energy, environment, sensory sensitivities and like all of the available time that we have, we can do that with our goals. So what is achievable for me, considering my sensory needs? Right?

Speaker 1:

I know now that, like, if I was to want to continue to stay with SoulCycle, I would really need to find more support around, like sensory detox, than I already have. The days in between teaching would need to be very quiet days, and that's just not really going to do it for me because there's a lot of other things I want to get done, so I can't have my entire life revolve around something that's taking so much out of me, even if I do really enjoy doing it, which I do. Another thing to think about for me is like knowing that I have inconsistent energy. What is a realistic timeframe for me to complete my goals? I cannot rely consistently on my energy. I don't know what my energy is going to be like from day to day. So I can't set myself up necessarily with short term due dates on goals, right, like, a short-term turnaround isn't necessarily going to work for me. Knowing that, like, it depends on the project, right, like if the project has a lot of moving parts, there's a lot to consider. If it's going to take a considerable amount of executive function, right, it's going to take more time for me to get something like that accomplished. So I can't have a really quick turnaround from the time that I think about it to the time that it gets done.

Speaker 1:

I also need to think about what types of environment do I want to spend my time in. So, like I was just saying, what can I reasonably expect for myself if I'm consistently spending time in environments that drain me? And then, like, what do I need to let go of? So I've talked before about how I've eased up on things like making my bed right. That's a direct result of me having less energy to put into house maintenance because I'm doing a very, very high stress job for me right now. So there are specific things that are priorities. I have to do laundry because I need to have clean workout clothes right. Ben needs a lot of extra attention right now, so he's putting I'm putting more energy and attention and focus on being there for him. And then the next thing is like I want to make sure I have like clean sanitary surfaces and like dishes are done and that we have food to eat. So these are like the minimum baseline and that's about all that is possible. So these are like the minimum baseline and that's about all that is possible.

Speaker 1:

So really adding on any extra goals right now is probably not going to work. There isn't really anything else that like. If I was to set a goal that I think that it would be achievable for me right now with all the things that I'm doing Now. That might change once I'm done with SoulCycle in two weeks, but for right now I don't know. I don't want to plan for that because I don't know how I'm going to feel in that time, and so I don't want to start thinking about things and start setting myself up for failure by believing that I'm all of a sudden going to have more energy immediately once I finish there. Now, where is possibility in all of this?

Speaker 1:

I know a lot of you out there have been taught to set impossible goals and that setting impossible goals is the only way to elevate your self-concept. But I don't know, maybe we don't even need to elevate our self-concept. I think we do need to believe in ourselves and we need to believe that we're capable probably of more than we are. But notice how me trying to believe that I'm capable of more than I am has really backfired. So I need to take a different approach to thinking about what's possible, and I want to be clear that the goal itself is not even really as important as how you get there. So if you want to continue to set like really crazy impossible goals, like that's fine.

Speaker 1:

But if I was working with you on an impossible goal, we would spend very little time focused on the goal, the end result itself. We would, you know, be reverse engineering that and we'd be focusing on the steps to get there Right. And the time frame that we set is really irrelevant, because does it like if you set the goal to happen in six months, but it happens in eight months, does it really matter that much? Or, but it happens in eight months, does it really matter that much? Or if it happens in 10 months, does it really matter that much? You still did it and maybe we can think about getting there in a less aggressive way. That's not going to have a huge impact on your mental, physical, emotional health. So the goals that we set can be as big as we want or as small as we want. They don't need to be these like big, lofty goals.

Speaker 1:

And I also want to point out that any goal that you set where you haven't done it before is an impossible goal, and it's impossible because you've never done it before. So your brain is going to tell you that I can't do it. Right. If you've never worked out a day in your life, then setting a goal to work out one time per week is, by definition, an impossible goal, because you have no proof that you're capable of doing it. Same goes for business goals.

Speaker 1:

If you have made no money in your business, then making your first $100 is an impossible goal. It doesn't have to be your first five thousand dollars, or your first ten thousand dollars or your first hundred thousand dollars. Believe me, your brain is not going to think it's possible, no matter how much you want to tell yourself that the goal is too small. So don't get caught up in that. That's just a waste of your time. To be like oh, but like a hundred dollars is like it's so nothing, it's not a lot of money, and like maybe it's just a waste of your time.

Speaker 1:

To be like oh, but like $100 is like it's so nothing, it's not a lot of money, and like maybe it's not a lot of money to you, but if you've never done it before, you don't know how to do it. You don't know how, so you're going to learn how, and that, by definition, will be your impossible goal. Another way to think about this is if you've made like 200k but you've never done it without burning out and you'd like to, then that is your goal and that is an impossible goal, like for me, when I made the most money I'd ever met, I made it and I was so burnt out. So I've never learned how to make literally any kind of amount of money without burning myself out doing it. So any goal that I set around an income goal could be considered my impossible goal because I've yet to learn how to do it without a huge cost to myself. So if you're in that situation, don't double your goal until you've been able to do that same amount of work business, income, whatever with less stress, with less overwhelm, with less burnout. And then be forward thinking about considering the season that you're in now and the future seasons that you're going to be in to create the timeline.

Speaker 1:

Like, I have a client that always gets super busy the last few months of the school year. People just seem to need more from her and she wants to give them that help right. Like she could set different boundaries if she wanted to, but like it's you know her job is a helping profession and she wants to help the people, so she's got to be really realistic about what else, what extra, is possible in that time, and maybe we don't launch something new in that time, which is what we've decided. We've learned that like trying to add anything extra in that time of year when it's consistently more busy, is not setting herself up for success. There's not going to be an achievability to adding more to her plate. So, as we can see, when we look at this framework for goal setting, achievable has to take so many more things into consideration than you're probably thinking about, because we don't set and or achieve our goals in a bubble and if, like me, you've been setting these unrealistic goals that haven't been taking into account your whole humanness, it's time to really reassess the way you're setting yourself up to achieve things and trying to achieve things from that place of lack, but really trying to achieve them from a strengths-based perspective, an abilities-based perspective and an attainabilities-based perspective. All right, friends, that's all I've got for you today.

Speaker 1:

Fun thing going on summer single sessions are happening. I brought single sessions back for the summer and they're at a reduced rate of $175 a session. So if you have never coached with me and you've always been interested, this is a really perfect, like no commitment way to do it If you just have, like you know, one or two things that you want to work out. This is a great way to work those out without being locked into any kind of a long-term package, so I really highly recommend getting in booking a summer single session. You can find the link for that on my Instagram. I also send out emails, so if you want to get on my email list, I'll be sending out emails from time to time with updated availability around that and I hope to see you in a session. I hope that you. It's Pride Month. I hope that you're having a happy Pride. I totally forgot about that at the top of the episode, but yeah, it's Pride, happy Pride, everybody. Talk to you soon.