You Need a Coach B*tch

Internalized Stigma

• Chris Hale • Episode 97

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In this episode I cast a light on the invisible struggles of those  of us with internalized stigma  in a world that's slow to adapt. By sharing actionable insights and my therapist's 'unmasking' technique, this episode is a call to action for compassionate change and self-advocacy. From the personal to the systemic, we confront the pressing need for inclusive environments that recognize and accommodate diverse experiences. Join me, your host, as we navigate the nuanced journey of embracing our own worth, independent of productivity, and dismantling the deep-seated stigmas that hinder our collective mental well-being.

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Speaker 1:

Hey Bessie, what's up? How's it going? I'm good. I had an amazing birthday weekend. I had some dinner with friends on Friday night and then on Saturday we went to see Sweeney Todd, which was unbelievable.

Speaker 1:

Let's be honest, it's not my favorite music because of the subject matter and if you're not familiar I'm not going to go into it. But it is a good show. It's a great show, it's it's well written, it's on time, it's amazing, and I was really going to sing Aaron Tveit and Joe Locke but I definitely left just singing Sutton Foster's praises. Like I know Sutton Foster is good, but like I wasn't expecting her to be this amazing in this particular role. I wouldn't see it for her and she literally stole the show and I was just not expecting it. She was hilarious, her timing was impeccable, her physical comedy was like very unexpected and fresh 10 out of 10, 10 out of 10. Also, joe's voice was beautiful. He's so young and so talented and I love that he got the chance to play this part. And Aaron, as always, was like totally dreamy, even as like a homicidal maniac barber, so good. I do think that like he struggled a little bit with the lowest of low notes Because he's just like a tenor, like his voice is so high, but he still sounded amazing, loved it. I recommend highly if you want to see good theater. But it closes in May, so you got to get there. You got to get there soon and then the rest of the weekend was just chill, which was nice. I needed some chill.

Speaker 1:

So today I want to talk about stigma. So many things concerning mental health hold so much stigma and, as this is essentially a mental health podcast, I think that it, um, it needs to be addressed. Stigma often comes from like a lack of understanding about something and there's a lot of fear. Like stigma is really fear based and for a lot of us, that fear is around not belonging. I think anytime that there is around not belonging, I think anytime that there is like things that we're afraid of, it can make us sort of like want to reject it and thus, like anytime something is like internalized, like when that fear is internalized right, we end up rejecting ourselves and not feeling like a sense of belonging with ourselves, and then we project that onto other people and we feel abandoned and a sense of belonging with ourselves, and then we project that onto other people and we feel abandoned and a lack of belonging with other people. So it's just this like whole vicious cycle. And then we just we try really hard to conform right to what others and what society want and honestly, this all ends up being a form of self-harm.

Speaker 1:

So to talk about stigma, we really have to talk about all of the internalized isms. They're all so intertwined and really they're all agents of white supremacy. If we really get down to it, white supremacy is the overarching issue and all of these isms are agents to that. And so I want to start with internalized capitalism and kind of see where we go from there, because I think in a lot of ways internalized capitalism is what allows those others to really thrive. So we live in a society where we must trade our labor for money, unless we're born into like super wealthy families, right, and those super families they're capitalizing on our labor that we are forced to put out in order to survive.

Speaker 1:

Now, I'm not against working, I like working, I like earning money, I do it. I'm against anchoring my worth to my work, and that's what internalized capitalism is having us do, right. Anchoring my usefulness to someone else or for someone else, to my self-worth, to my feeling of deservingness. This is what internalized capitalism looks like, believing I am only as worthy and good as the work I produce. And we creative types are so guilty of this, and it's not because we want to be, but because it's like, really fed to us our entire lives, right? So, as a dancer, I can't tell you how many times I heard the words there's always someone better than you, or there will always be someone ready to take your place. This drives us to feel like we have to hustle for our worth all the time and that we always need to be watching our backs for the person coming up behind us to like take our spot.

Speaker 1:

This point is further driven home by being typed out of jobs. Right, like, we already have someone who's your type, so we can't have two because, like God forbid, you have, like, more than one ethnically diverse person in a cast. Right, like there can be like 20 white people, but there can't be two black people. Right? Or like two Latino people, like it's just entirely insane, but it happens all the time, and so that's kind of like what we're up against on the regular when we're looking at trying to make it as a performer, trying to be someone who, like, is successful in what we're doing and believing that we're only as worthy as our last part, which is not true.

Speaker 1:

Other ways that this shows up is believing that you need to earn rest and relaxation, and I can't tell you the amount of times I've been called out, like by my therapists and coaches, for believing that I haven't done enough, like with my day, to have some very much needed downtime. I'm super guilty of that one. Still still, it's still hard for me to not look at my day and be like, oh, I didn't get anything done, and when I say anything, it usually pertains to my work, my job, my business. I could have done 17 other things, but if I didn't get that one email out, I didn't get anything done. Right? And this goes back to that like capitalism being the thing that runs everything. Speaking of capitalism being the thing that runs everything and not prioritizing other things or not believing in the value of other things.

Speaker 1:

When we prioritize our work over relationships and that's relationships with ourselves, in doing the things that we enjoy, or with others, right, when devaluing the importance of those relationships because work is more important, that's another sign, and the one that hits the closest to this topic here around mental health and wellness is believing that you are a never-ending problem that needs solving. That there is like a best you, your better self, your best self, live your best life. Right, that that's out there somewhere and you're just not working hard enough to become them. That is like that's actually like what the whole self-help industry is all about. Like, I love being someone who is in a helping profession, but I'm not trying to sell people on the fact that they need to be better, and we've had that conversation before.

Speaker 1:

So when we've internalized all these things, then it's real easy for internalized ableism to slide into our DMs and validate all this shit. Why? Because of the stigma around being disabled, around not being able to quote-unquote function the way capitalism needs us to function in order for us to do our part as people whose labor is being exploited and then are expected to consume to keep the economy going, even though it doesn't really benefit us. And for me, internalized ableism is manifested in a similar way as the internalized capitalism. They're almost indistinguishable from each other. So like pushing myself past my limits, not listening to my body, believing that I'm less than because I can no longer able to work at the same capacity that I could even like three years ago. Right, it's this shame that's felt for believing that my limitations make me inferior to someone else. So that brings us back to last week's conversation about how limitations are not weaknesses, but my internalized ableism is going to make me believe that these limitations somehow make me inferior and, honestly, the biggest mindfuck is that we also face discrimination for these things about us that we feel shame over. So it kind of compounds because we're already having these shitty thoughts about ourselves.

Speaker 1:

And then there is like evidence out there in the world to support our worldview. And, as I've been learning, like more and more about disabilities and especially ones that cannot be so easily seen right, like if you're a highly masked person or just someone whose disability goes unnoticed. Like people do not want to offer accommodations. This can be very typical in schools. I've had a lot of conversations with people that school age children I get it they're understaffed and if you're doing well enough, like in their eyes right, like why should you like get special treatment, you know, or whatever, but it's like this all really stems from them. Like not being curious about our internal experiences and what it actually like, looks like for us on the inside to be experiencing these, like the world and the way that we are. That is so disabling. We see this all the time, with systemic racism, right Work environments that are pushing for more diversity but not working on a culture that supports that.

Speaker 1:

So the people in the global majority are not supported and do not feel welcome and thus do not last in those jobs. You can't say that you want diversity if you're not creating a culture of diversity. And that same thing goes for like prioritizing people who need special or different accommodations. So, like, what do we do? Well, if you're like an activist girly and you have the bandwidth for it, like to go into the world and fight the good fight, like you are truly doing God's work, my friend. But if you're like me and you're already just like trying to survive in this hellscape and not want like 12 margaritas every night before you go to bed, then the work is going to be much more internal. I mean, everyone needs to do the internal work and I think we can all find ways to do external work. It just has to like fit with our own bandwidth, um and and sensory needs and capacity, which is one of those things that you can work on if you have intuitive scheduling, but the work that we're going to do, it's going to be quieter, it's going to be self-focused.

Speaker 1:

We need to destigmatize ourselves first, and then we can lead by example and help others. And I know this is always the answer. But guess what, my friend? It always starts with the easier, most accessible change, that we'll never not be ourselves. And that looks like acknowledging when the solution is not an individual solution. So we have to keep that in mind and I think like a good example, just because it's one I hear. I've heard this example used before and I think it's still a good example.

Speaker 1:

If you're in a wheelchair and there's no ramp or elevators to accommodate you, yes, you could find a way to get where you want to go, but in that instance it's not you that should be making the accommodation. You would have to be doing so much extra labor to get yourself in a building that does not accommodate your wheelchair. So there is a collective solution to that that needs to be dealt with. Cue the activist girlies, right, they're going to make that shit happen. And the thing that stops us from asking for what we need and for taking up space in the world is the internalized isms right. We've been told that we are the problem. That is why we have to start with ourselves.

Speaker 1:

It will inevitably mean challenging some thoughts that you have about yourself. It will call your worthiness into question, as it has many times before, and it will come with grief. We will need to face our fears when we really lean into who we are and stop being ashamed. There will be people that leave us. There will be fractures in relationships. There will be people who think that we're now taking up too much space, especially for those that have not done the work on themselves to challenge their own biases and like unwrap all of that, and this can sound daunting, but I want to leave this on a positive note. I want to make this really simple for you. It's all about just being allowing yourself to be exactly who you are and to need and want exactly what you need and want. It can be that easy, and I'll tell you how.

Speaker 1:

This is something my therapist showed me and it's literally how to unmask, and not in the sense that I'm like out in the world, like tap on my feet and, like you know, using my fidgets and like being overly expressive with my hands and flapping them around right Like it's not in that sense I mean we want to do that stuff. That stuff is great to do, to like start to not feel like we have to hold ourselves so tightly and we can't be as expressive as we want to be. That's important. But when I say when he said unmasking, really what he meant was like relaxing your mask, your face, your literal face. Just let the muscles droop Like, let the jaw unclench, let the eyelids be heavy. Do it right now, just like, feel all of the tension drain from your face and then go look at yourself. When I looked at myself I was like, oh girl, that's what we call resting bitch face.

Speaker 1:

Whenever we're not trying to like animate ourselves for the benefit of others, people see it negatively. We are programmed to see anyone not doing the most with their face to convey all the meaning as being a bitch or at least looking like one. So no wonder why we can't just be ourselves, because our natural, unmasked self is always going to be interpreted by the outside world as something bad, as something that we shouldn't be doing, because of how other people are interpreting the way we're showing up in the world. So practice that, practice, just that Practice, letting it be okay for you to maybe not be so happy, not be so excited. Let your face have no animation, de-stigmatize that that's the first step and then that's going to lead to you accepting yourself more wholly and there will be more things about yourself that you're going to decide are just okay, that aren't problems that need to be fixed.

Speaker 1:

And I think this is especially important with mental illness and with things like you know what we're calling disorders Like ADHD is considered a disorder. I don't love it, right. Autism considered a disorder, not loving it, right. They are disabilities. They do like have impact, like things that need to be adjusted, but I they are disabilities. They do like have impact, like things that need to be adjusted, but I don't love when it's like it's a problem. But they also are not mental health issues.

Speaker 1:

Yes, people with these kinds of diagnoses might have other mental health issues on top of it, and a lot of it is because of how hostile the world is toward us. But I just want to be very clear when we're talking about mental health, we're not talking about like pathologizing or further stigmatizing things about us, like with our neurodevelopmental differences. All right, my friends, that's what I have for you today. I hope that you can go out there in the world and start to release some of the shame and stigma that you have around the things that are going on for you. You know I love Brene. I hate Brene Like I have a love-hate relationship with her, but you know, when she talks about shame and sharing shame like shame can't exist when you share your story. So that is definitely something that we want to do. We want to share our stories with people who have earned the right to hear them and this helps to evaporate that shame.

Speaker 1:

On another note, I am leaning fully into intuitive scheduling. So I have a new offer. It is a six-week intuitive scheduling sprint. We are going to get your time in order, babe, we're doing it. It's six weeks, it's $1,200. There's in between session support, there's accountability, there's all the things. So if this sounds like something that you're interested in, hit me up, you can go to my website. There's a brand new page on my website under working together, all about these intuitive scheduling sessions. You can either just like hit me up at chris at the only chris halecom and be like, bitch, I'm in, or you can book a consult so we can talk about it further. As always, it's amazing if you rate and review the podcast. Five stars, please, and I'll talk to you next time. Bye, babes.