Who Are You Talking To?

Whether you are marketing your services on the internet or selling yourself on Scruff, who you believe you are talking to is one of the most important things to consider. Recently in a coaching container, I helped a client discover that in their mind, the person they were marketing to was not their best person. They believed that the consumer on the other end would not pay them what their work was worth.  This small shift in who they aim their marketing at is going to have a huge impact on their business going forward.   Join me today as I help you identify who you are calling into your business or your bed, and what you can do to make sure you are attracting a person that wants you as much as you want them.

Mentioned in this episode:
Sara Bareilles - We can do hard things   
YNACB - Increase the impact of your work  

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Transcript

Welcome to " You need a coach bitch with Chris Hale. I'm your host Chris Hale. I'm a certified life coach that helps queer creatives. Take their passion, turn it into a purpose and get paid. If you are looking to make an impact on the world with your work by dismantling internalized, oppressive thought systems by using coaching spirituality and a lot of cursing, you are in the right place.

So let's get to work.

 Hey friends, how's it going? Honestly, it's going rough over here. All these like drag bills and anti-trans legislation, it's really getting to me, and I'm sure it's getting to some of you too. It just weighs really heavy on me that there are people that can't just let others live their lives.  and I was listening to Sarah Barres on We Can Do Hard Things, and Glennon actually quoted her, and I feel this so hard right now.

So the quote was, I just felt like the idea of having to be alive for the rest of my life was an impossible thing to hold. How do you possibly get through so many days in a life?  and Wow. I have definitely been there and I'm kind of feeling like I'm there right now. Um, and I, I said this to my therapist or something like it over a year ago that it can seem like.

overwhelming. Almost like the amount of time or the idea that um, we have to continue to like wake up every day in this like hell fire, hellscape, dumpster, fire, whatever the fuck you wanna call it, when like this kind of shit's going on. And of course I've got therapy and I've got coaching and I've got lots of tools and I manage it.

But just hearing someone else say that, and someone like Sarah Barres, who honestly, like I've connected to her music so much. Over the years, like it just, you know, you feel a little bit seen, you feel a little bit like, okay, yeah girl, I hear you. I'm there too. And I also think like it is just unfathomable to think about the amount of years, the amount of days.

Um, and really I'm not sure that we're even supposed to like be trying to conceive of. . Um, it's like we really can't hold that. Like she's, she's right. Like it's an impossible thing to hold. We've heard so many times that if we were to be like given a look at the way our entire life unfolds, that it would be too much and it really would be, it would be like so much for us to like see that whole thing and have all that information and then still have to live, right?

Like, and still have to go through all of it. . I think that's very real. I don't think we're supposed to know, and I don't think that we should even be trying to think about it honestly, like that we can't forecast that far in the future. We don't actually know what kind of future we are gonna get. And so whatever we can do, whatever tools we have to sort of bring us back into the present and ground ourselves here and just do the work that we, that we need to do to kind of.

be here, be now is really what it's all about. I do have this kind of like slightly funny story that I don't know. It, it made me think about this when I heard that quote and as I was preparing this podcast is, um, the show's six feet under. I don't know if any of you've seen it, and if you haven't, this is a spoiler alert because I am going to talk about the end of the show, like how the entire series ended.

So if you ever plan on watching it, I would suggest you fast forward, um, but it's like I have to tell you, and it's also possible that like, after I tell you, like you can intellectualize it, but like the, if you actually watch the show and like, know these characters right over the seasons, like it will still impact you greatly.

But anyway, at the very last episode, the very end. , which was the first time I was introduced to Sias Breathe Me, which I mean just that song alone. But they did like a little montage of every single character's life, like from the point that we were seeing them at the last episode all the way until the moment of their death.

Literally every one of the characters. And I basically like was a like a puddle, like hysterical mess. I called my husband Caitlin, who was my boyfriend at the time, but I called him like hysterical, like I couldn't talk and he thought someone had actually died. And that's what it felt like. It felt like I just watched all of my people just die from this show.

So that's kind of like what I think about is. , like that montage of seeing each character like grow old, like we're not supposed to know that for ourselves. We're just supposed to experience it in real time. So yeah, I think it's like that. I think it's like, right, like, like getting that glimpse right? Like if we were to get that glimpse of how our entire life plays out, like we get to see what these characters like, it would just be so much.

I think when we think about like how overwhelming it is to have to live outta life where there is like that 50 50, right? Like there's so much horrible shit and so much is going on right now that is like very terrifying and like people literally want us, like want to eradicate us, but this is just what life is supposed to be like because it's what's happening and how, again, how do we take care of ourselves through it?

So yeah. I think like if you're a sensitive person that wants to help people, right? Like I do, like it can seem insurmountable, but I know that like. , I am making a difference. I can sometimes fall into the trap of like believing that I need to be doing more. Right? So that like on top of what I'm doing in terms of serving people and helping people that like, I also need to be a full-time activist.

And maybe you kind of go through that too. Like it feels like it's a part of our job as like queer people as bipo people. But I, I like my work is activism, right? Helping people change the way they think and feel. Helping people question their long held beliefs like that is my version of activism because it all starts with like understanding.

Like people have to be willing to understand the lived experience of someone else and to humanize them. And hopefully I'm helping people do that through the way that I question.  the beliefs that they have, right? Not coming from like a combative place, but just like, why do you think that and like where is that coming from?

So, . That's how I kind of get grounded in not feeling like this is a mountain I can't climb. And if you need a little reminder, um, for yourself, I suggest going back and listening to the episode that I did about having a bigger impact with your work because. It is just a simple shift of the lens that you decide to look at the world through.

So if you can look at it through this space of like inclusion and just open your eyes to that and then kind of do your work through that lens, I think it, it goes a long way. . Also, if you wanna hear a conversation that made me feel like more seen than anything I've ever experienced lately, like go listen to this episode of We Can Do Hard Things.

I will link that and the other episode of my podcast in the show notes because like I recommend both of them. I guarantee you, if you are a sensitive person that deals with like anxiety and depression and those kinds of things, like Sarah, she will make you feel seen and. To kind of go with that like idea of 50 50.

Now there's something that I'm really excited about that I wanna tell you all about. So I was riding my bike and I was rocking out to Kelly Clarkson feeling like a bad bitch, and I realized it's almost April, well, I mean not really, but kind of.  and my birthday's at the end of the month, so it's like I'm coming.

Like that's like a whole thing. And as I was like reflecting on the end of the month and my upcoming 40 something birthday, um, I couldn't help but wonder and my best Carrie, Brad job are there people out there absolutely kicking themselves because we are nearing the end of March and quarter one, if that means anything to you.

and maybe you're nowhere near the result that you wanted for the first three months of the year. And obviously the answer has to be yes, there has to be people out there that are in that scenario, and I wanna know if that is you. Like, are you looking at the goals you created and asking yourself where the F things went off?

Or were you like me sick for like the first three weeks of the year and are you like feeling like you're just haven't been able to like quote unquote catch up? I mean, that might be BS, but it could also be impacting the way you're showing up, right? If you feel like you're behind. So if that is you, I got.

Boo. I had this idea of opening up a few spots for a shorter program. So normally I work with people for six months and this I'm calling six weeks. Hit it and get it right, not hit it and quit it cuz we're not quitting anything. We're getting it. Get it. Um, so this package,  is for six weeks and we're gonna get you where you.

Like for the end of April, right? And we're gonna get you much closer to that goal that you set. If you aren't there and you're like, oh my God, I don't know how I'm gonna get there in the next two months, don't worry, we're gonna get you, if not there closer in six weeks. So we will start the week of March 20th so that it's a full six weeks.

We're gonna go hard, we're gonna make a plan. We're gonna address both the mental and logistical Roblox, and we're gonna set you up for success for the rest of the year. So do you want in? That is a real question. What you're gonna get is you're gonna get a weekly, 50 minute call with me plus like text, email, or instant DM support, like whichever works for you.

Like in between sessions, homework will be involved because girl, this is not just about mindset. You need to be ready to take action, like big, huge, massive action and we're gonna do that together. The cost is 1500.  and we're just gonna go. So if you want this, if you're ready, if you're ready to get down to business, email me at Chris the only chris hale.com and we're gonna get you all set up to be ready to start by March 20th.

Let's fucking go end now. On to today's topic. , what is that? The en vogue. And now it's time for a breakdown. Never gonna get it. Never gonna get it. Today we are talking. Who are you talking to? That's the question. I recently had the opportunity to coach for some friends in their mastermind, and this is like a mastermind of amazing badass women entrepreneurs.

I mean, what? They were so fun and just so down and ready to do the work, and we had so many awesome conversations, but the very first one, I swear, was worth the entire trip into the city on a Friday afternoon. And if you know me, you know, I rarely leave the house. So going into the city on a Friday afternoon is a big fucking.

Anyway, the question I had for all of them, um, at my friend's prompting, he said that a lot of them were having some resistance to upping their rates. So I asked, who has resistance to raising their rates? . And this coach raised her hand immediately and she said she felt like the resistance was that. Was marketing to the wrong people, which is totally a thing.

But like, why was she marketing to the wrong people? Like this is what we had to figure out like, well, who are those people and why is she marketing them? So one of the first things that we uncovered while we were talking, she kind of jokingly said that she like takes full responsibility for her client's results.

And y'all as a coach, this is like, no-no. Number one. We do not take full responsibility for our clients' results. And the reason we don't do that is because we can't physically make anybody do anything. So we can help people with their mindset, help them identify like thought errors like we do on this show all the time, and then we can help them create a plan.

Right? And that's gonna be a collaboration, right? Like it's gonna be a little bit of like the things that they feel like they wanna do and they know that they can do, like specific to their industry or their niche. And then there's gonna be some of my input in terms of like other ideas that come up, right?

But we can't physically do it for them. Right? I can't jump inside their body. I used to say this to my dancers all the time, like, I cannot jump inside your body and do it for you, nor would I want to, because then they don't learn how to do it for themselves. And that's the problem with taking responsibility for our clients results is that like they don't really learn how to source themselves as like the number one expert on them to get shit done.

And that's what we want. We don't want them dependent. Also, it fucks us up in the head because we end up hanging our worth and ultimately our emotional wellbeing on something we don't have any control over. Right? I can't make people do anything. But the interesting thing here is that this was affecting this coach's.

Marketing. So in taking full responsibility for her client's results, it meant that she was actually speaking to people that she didn't believe would pay because they wouldn't show up to do the work, right? They wouldn't be fully like sovereign, independent people that were willing to have some skin in the game to get the results that they.

So, of course she couldn't raise her prices. The people she was talking to would definitely not pay a higher rate because they probably wouldn't pay at all. And even if they did, they'd not be her best client because they would be attracted to that, like depend on me energy. Right. She was putting that out in the world.

So that's who she's talking to, that's who she's gonna. So that was it. Her mind was blown. My mind was blown. Everyone's mind was blown. It was amazing. . It was actually under five minutes. Someone actually said, told me that it was under three minutes, and that's possible. Girl, I coach quick. I like we can get it done, but we got to the root of things really quickly and now right there will be other stuff for her to.

um, she has to do that work of imagining her ideal client and like feel into speaking to them, but that was not what I was there to help her do. Like, she can do that work on her own or with her regular coach, but this is a great example of how fast shifts can happen. And if you want this kind of fast paced awareness, then my six week offer is perfect for you no matter what you wanna work on.

Right? Whether you're working on like a creative project like a. Um, a movie script, uh, artwork, or it's like a business endeavor, right? It's something like this where you're working on, like your offer, your pricing, your marketing. We can do it all. And if you're working with me, you're gonna get that added benefit of me helping you with what to do with that awareness once you have it.

So just think about that. So that's like something to consider if you are thinking about reaching out to wanna work with me, is that that's gonna be a part of the process, right? And so you do have to be ready to do that work, but in place of us working together right now. Um, I want to see what kind of transformation we can get you, like just from this episode cuz I believe in that.

I actually got a really sweet message from a friend, um, who, I don't really talk too much, but she reached out to tell me that, like, that listening to the podcast, she's made some, like just applying some of the things that, that I teach here has like really changed the way that she is. Feeling and experiencing the world, and that meant so much to me.

So, I know that the podcast is doing its job, like this is meant to be a free resource that you can absolutely make transformation with. And any story or any person that reaches out to me, that lets me know that that's happening, just like makes me feel amazing. And if you wanna share the love, that's an amazing gift to give someone else, right?

Is to share your favorite podcast episode. I'm not trying to like plug myself, but I just think like, I want as many people to get help as possible, and you do not have to pay me to get help. Obviously, we can dive deeper, we can get more done, but there is a transformation that you can get if you just apply the information that I give you every week.

Anyway, , what I want you to do, I want I'm, I want you to do some work right now, so I wanna ask you, who are you talking? And honestly, even if you're not an entrepreneur, right? Like we can apply this to like any area of your life. So normally we talk about creative endeavors, but relationships, right? Like if you're on the dating apps, right, and you're looking for a relationship, fuck, even if you're on Grindr, and it's just like the goal is like a right now person and not a forever person who you're talking to really matters.

Are you talking to people that in your mind do not want.  are not attracted to you. We forget that people are paying us with their time and attention, and that's why we call it paying attention. So I want you to like right now, make a list of the thoughts you have about the people you are talking to, right?

So with this example of the coach, right? She was talking to, like the thought she had about the people is like, they're not gonna pay it. So like in her mind, the person she's envisioning is not going to pay her higher rate. So write down all the thoughts that you have about the people you are talking to in your scenario now.

What do you notice about these thoughts? Do you think that they will increase your chances of finding a match or decrease it? , when you're thinking these thoughts, how are you showing up in that space? What are you doing? What are you saying? Are you shooting your shot? But then like not taking the hint when someone doesn't reply.

And yes, it is polite to reply with like, Hey, I'm not interested, but no stranger on any app anywhere owes you anything. They do not owe you a reply. So no reply is a. And here is when we can actually bring in like the existential kink work, which I can't remember if we've ever talked about that book, but it's by Carolyn Elliot.

Um, and it's, I kind of think it's like the law of attraction next level. I'm not through with the book yet, but some of the exercises have really helped me. So the basic premise is that we do get what we want, but we're kind of getting what we want subconsciously. And what's running in the background is actually like this desire for.

Things we don't like and like we're kind of ashamed of that, that we get sort of a little bit of pleasure out of the things that we don't like. And her whole thing is kind of like I've said before, like we've come to this world, right? For that 50 50 experience that I talk about all the time, right? We've come to experience both the positive and the negative.

It is just a part of life. It's never gonna stop. There's never not been. Unfortunate things that we don't like going on, and that's never gonna stop. We're not gonna eradicate that. But certain things, right? Like we're actually creating and we sort of get off on, that's her thing. So with like being on the apps, right?

Like do you get off on being offended that people are rude to you? , do you get to identify with your, your righteousness and say things like, the least they could do is be nice enough to say no to my face, right? Like, do you take, take that stance? Does it give you something to complain about? Do you get to be on your high horse while also being the victim?

Because if so, that's why you're gonna continue to pursue people who aren't interested in you. So you can perpetuate that. Maybe you actually prefer to talk to people that aren't that into you, cuz you get to play out this little drama while also not having to actually get into something with someone who might like you, which would force you to be real and vulnerable.

Right. So that's kind of like the basic understanding that I have at this point of existential kinking. She has like a lot of exercises and things that she does to help you sort of like unlock this. Another instance could be like, . So you wanna step, like if you have like a business, right? If you're an entrepreneur now, and you've always kind of been behind the scenes, maybe you were an employee and you worked for somebody else, um, and that really worked for you for a really long time, but now you're trying to step out and be seen more, but you're noticing that you're not really doing it and maybe the reason why you weren't stepping.

was because you liked being behind the scenes because maybe you got to feel like people needed you, right? Like your boss needed you, right? They couldn't do their, they, they couldn't do things without you. And that like helped you feel like kind of superior or needed, right? Maybe there's like a, a little kid there in you who never felt like they were loved or wanted or needed or whatever, right?

And you get to kind of play out this little thing. So these are some like real life examples. That are versions of this like existential kink thing. Um, but it's the same in business, right? Like do you get to complain about your non-existent clients who can't afford you? Right? That's way easier than selling to people.

Who have money who are already accomplished, that might intimidate you, right? Because after all, if we go back to this example before, if you're responsible for the, for your client's results, and then you charge a higher price, look how that becomes a really slippery slope, right? Because then if they don't get the results, you are gonna feel.

like a fraud. And they might even be disappointed cuz maybe you were over promising, right? You weren't being realistic about like what was possible for them. So that's just a huge mess, , right? So we don't wanna be in that place. So kind of think about this, right? Like think about who you're talking to, how you're talking to them, what the benefit might be from you keeping yourself in the same drama that you're in and just let all this set.

Play around with the idea that you've actually created the situation that you're in right now, and be honest about like, how you get off on it, like how, how it benefits you and what will happen at some point is that like you will start to be less interested in this, right? So it's gonna start to dissolve because once you kind of shine a light on this part of you, that's like sh, like shame cannot live in the.

No, the light, wait. , what is it? Shame lives in the dark, right? So once you shine a light on it, it becomes less interesting. It's not so scary. It's not so like taboo. It's like, oh yeah. Maybe, you know, there's a part of you that likes being responsible for, for your client's results. Like, like this coach really, you know, she enjoyed it when someone did really well.

She's like, I did that. Right? So there's like a little part of her that celebrates that. And we wanna celebrate that we're human, but we also don't wanna like hang, like right. Our identity or our worth on that. So, so this is how that's gonna start to kind of fall away. And when you're ready, Decide who that perfect client or like fuck buddy is, right?

And try on some new thoughts and I'm gonna give you some and you can come up with your own and adjust them as necessary. I'm gonna go with the client route. So if I'm thinking about like my clients want to change, my clients are ready to change, my clients are willing to pay me, my clients want to work with me, right?

So. This is what I'm thinking about that person that I would be talking to who would be ready to sign up today to work with me, versus talking to the person who needs convincing, right. Or who I have to like promise the world to so that they get really excited about that, but they're not really like excited about actually doing the work.

They're just like high on like thinking they're gonna get what they want and feeling really amazing, right? Like, that's not what I want. . And so the next question is, if you believed these thoughts were tr were true, how would you show up online, right in your marketing, on the dating apps, whatever, what would you say?

How would you say it? How many times would you offer what you have to give? And I guarantee you if you do this work, like just do it for the next week. You are going to see a huge shift in first who you're being and then who you're calling into your space. So the shift you're gonna see is gonna be in yourself first.

So don't be looking for any like external validation at first, but it, my, some might come, but like that's not the point. The point is to shift in how you are presenting and then that's in turn going to start calling in a different kind of person. So do this, do the work. Go the fuck out there, change some lives.

You got this. And if you wanna work with me, if you wanna take advantage of this six week package starting March 20th, you gotta hit me up. All right, friends, I will talk to you soon.



If you are loving what you're hearing here on, you need a coach, bitch, please subscribe like and share with your friends. And if you want more information on how you can work with me, one on one. Go to theonlychrishale.com where you can find me on Instagram, theonlychrishale.