Six Month Check In Post ADHD Diagnosis

It's been six months since I got my official ADHD diagnosis, and I wanted to share some of the most important developments. Discussing all things grief, what has been affirming, and what it has been like to unmask.  If you are late diagnosed, I hope this episode speaks to you and that you see some positive representation in me. And if you are wondering whether to seek out a diagnosis, I give you some questions to consider before doing so.     

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Hey Besties how's it going? We are a couple of days before the New Year, how are you feeling about it? Yeah, I'm feeling pretty good. Like, I'm excited to see what 2024 brings. I mean, everything has been kind of a dumpster fire for the past four years, in the world itself and my own world for the past seven years. So, you know, it's either gonna probably be more of the same that I'm just gonna keep rolling with, or maybe things are gonna, like, start looking up. But anyway, um, I hope that you survived the holiday, especially if you're a family, sometimes that can be rough for people. And I talked about this once before, but the fact that there's just nothing magical about this time of year, and we don't need to have the expectation that it should be just like, we don't need to have the expectation that like come January 1, we're all of us of a sudden going to be like, brand new people and have brand new motivation. Or that like, then brand new motivation that we have is going to sustain. So I think that's one of the biggest issues with people believing right that in the new year, I'm going to be a whole new me. I think because I coach a lot of perfectionist, this is like very much a perfectionist fantasy, in the sense that we like to start things fresh, with no mistakes. Because once we make a mistake, we start telling ourselves that we fucked it up, and it can't ever be perfect again, but nothing's perfect, right? So we have to be able to like be okay with the fact that, you know, we're gonna start going to the gym, we're gonna do it for three weeks, because we're like, so excited and motivated, and like, new year new me, and I'm gonna be like, Wow, whatever. And then like, you're gonna miss a day. And then you're gonna make that missing of the day mean, that you like, didn't keep your commitment to yourself, and then you're going to make that a self fulfilling prophecy. Or you're going to be like, Well, I didn't keep my word. So I've screwed it up. So there's no sense in continuing, that's more of the perfectionistic thing to do. So, you know, when we started having these kinds of expectations about ourselves, let's say around family, like, I'm going to just be my like, most calm, most perfect, aligned, balanced self this year at the holiday, and then you've got there, and you get triggered, because you don't have control over your nervous system. Like, you don't have control over what triggers you. And you're like, oh, man, I was gonna be so much better this time. And it's like, maybe you were but you can't actually see it, because you're so focused on what didn't go the way you wanted it to, you can't see your growth. So that's my little like, rant about that. Cuz you know, it's not even like the 31st yet, so maybe you have some triggering things coming up, still coming into the new year that you want to give yourself a little more self compassion around. I think that's an amazing idea. What I want to talk about today, I kind of mentioned last week, and that's just like a little update on a life post, late ADHD diagnosis. It's actually basically been six months. So I think I had my first initial evaluation on June 27. And shortly after, they're, like, within the next week, I think I had my diagnosis after like, I took a test online and like, did another evaluation. And it's been an interesting six months. At first, it felt like a relief. And then it was like, okay, but they didn't really tell me anything I didn't already know. And then it was like, working with myself trying to like do all the things to manage it be medicated figure out medication, figure out myself still feeling like there was something missing in terms of the diagnosis. So I was initially diagnosed or it was like a sort of assumed I not assumed like through the initial evaluation, the psych nurse that I worked with put me down as having combined type ADHD. But then after I took the online test, it showed that I predominantly had hyperactive type but I honestly actually don't agree with that. I know that the the test was measuring certain things that like maybe I didn't score high enough on the test for an attentiveness, but if you actually spent any time with me, I think you would see much more like how inattentiveness shows up in my life. And also, when I was doing that test, I was so stressed out about like trying to be perfect at it. That I think That's one of the things like I can overcompensate and do a good job at things, but it's so hard. And that's the place where it becomes impactful in my life where I'm spending so much energy on trying to overcome my inability to pay attention and focus. But I can do it when I'm testing, you know, so because there's something on the line. And if we go back to being perfectionistic, like, I'm working so hard to try to do it the best that I can to not make any mistakes that like, I can do it. But I don't know that I should be trying to do it. And I did try really hard to just like, show up authentically, and like, let it be what it is. But that brain of mine was like, no, no, no, we got to get this right, we got to get this right, we got to get this right, which I think then manifested in more hyperactivity, because I found myself like, rocking more to solve su like that there was a lot of extraneous movement that I was doing whilst being evaluated. And that was kind of showing up really like hyperactive, because, you know, in that situation, it was being channeled into my physical body. But my brain was like, working so hard to find that focus. The other piece of it, and I think I have talked about this, but I want to talk about it in a little bit more depth, listening to divergent conversations podcast and Dr. Neff saying that she, you know, had to like grieve herself. And she also, you know, talk to her partner about them being able to grieve too. And that's been a really interesting thing, like, it's, it's come, it comes and goes in waves, I've definitely had to come to terms with the idea that like, I'm not just a broken neurotypical person, which, like I said before, that can feel really relieving. But it's also having to give up this illusion, right? The illusory self that we created, like, I just kept thinking, but anytime I was, like, I hate to use the word functioning, because it's just so ableist. But like, anytime I was like functioning at like, the most highest level, and my emotions were regulated in balance, and I was rested. And I felt good. And I was able to be social, and I was able to not, you know, like, partake in some of my like, more self soothing stimming behaviors, et cetera, that, like, if I could just get the right schedule. And if I could just have the perfect setup, that I would be able to transform into that person permanently. And that's what's so interesting about this whole thing is because
if you need those, that many systems and that many, like, routines in order to quote unquote, function, right, like that, girl, that's like an indication that like, there's something going on, and I actually read something, and it was a meme on Instagram that was like that, like, part of the Diag. Diagnostic tests should be like, asking you like, if you have problems with certain things. It's like, No, I don't have problems with those things. I have systems in place for those things. And it's like, yeah, that means that you have problems with those things. If you have to devise some systems in order to complete them, then it's possible you have ADHD. That's another thing that I've been really kind of grappling with. So I've also done a lot of the online evaluations for autism and my test scores, they're come up very high. I've started seeing a coach who herself is Adi HD. And she has pointed out that there are a lot of overlaps with autism that are present for me. And so that's been another sort of self exploration. And listen, I've been kind of curious about all of this for years, and I've done the tests many times and, you know, decided to seek the ADHD diagnosis because that was quite frankly easier to get. being evaluated for autism is quite complicated. It's pricey. There are long wait times. And I don't know what that would do for me to like, have an official diagnosis around that. So what I've been working with around that is like one of the things that this coach pointed out to me that is very common that I was experiencing that I said like this is what I'm experiencing. She's like, Oh, that's super common for people who have both, is when I got medicated my sensory Issues got worse. And I don't know that they got worse. Or if I just like, couldn't notice them more because my brain wasn't so busy and I wasn't so out of touch with my body that like I finally was able to, like, be in my body and, and be aware of how impacted I am by my environment. And so I'm learning, it's like I have to learn how to be a human again, in some ways, I had a really interesting moment, over the holidays, I was at my sister's house, and something I never would have noticed before. But I noticed that there was, I was talking to my friends in her living room. And there was this like, really bright white light shining directly on my face. And the music was really loud. And there was like, lots of conversation. And I all of a sudden, like, these things were going on, and I'm sure that they were bothering you. But all of a sudden, I became so overwhelmed with like all of them happening at the same time that I had to get up, lower the Music Turn off the light, like, it just was like, in an instant. And I'm realizing that that's an experience I've had so many times, but I didn't know what was going on. And I didn't know actually how to meet my needs and those moments. So I would just end up feeling like kind of off or sick or get angry or be uncomfortable or feel like I'd want to leave but feel like I couldn't, I wasn't allowed to leave, right, like there were all these things going on. So that was a really interesting moment to be able to kind of like I guess, be comfortable enough and be unmasked enough to acknowledge that, like I was in sensory overload, and I had permission to do something about it. So that brings me to kind of like, one of the most, I don't know, like profound changes, or just like pieces of information that I'm I'm acquiring for myself is this unmasking process. And like when it's appropriate when it's not appropriate. One of the places that I've really noticed having to work harder than I had anticipated was going back to SoulCycle. And just how much I am impacted by that environment in terms of like the bright lights and the loud music and the like, essentially social requirements of that space, right as an instructor. What I like about it is that I have a specific role. So that's one thing that is really important for me is that like, I have my defined role there. So I know how to show up. But the demands of that role are pretty extensive. And they kind of wear me out. And I've realized that not just from this, but I've kind of been in this perpetual burnout from never really recovering in the first place from all of the the assaults on my system. And that for a minute got me feeling really depressed. I was like, Oh my God, I don't see a way out of this. I don't know how I'm ever going to feel like a human being cut to like, oh, a week later, I finally didn't feel quite so sick. Remember, I had COVID and it took nine weeks for me to actually feel like a human being I felt generally unwell for that entire time. So the COVID symptoms were there for a week. But then for the next eight weeks, I just felt pretty, like just unwell. unwell is the only word I have for it. And one day I just woke up and I didn't feel unwell anymore. And it's so interesting, right? It's all these layers of things, because then once I'm not feeling generally unwell, then then again, it's like I'm able to focus on the other things that are impacting the way that I feel. And that is also when I was like, oh yeah, this is quite a strain on me. But it's a strain that's worth it. And it's a strain that I can work with. And it's a strain that I can figure out how to show up in a way where I am able to be authentic and not feel like I need to perform so much. Because that's the part of it that was feeling like I wasn't going to be able to sustain for very long is how much I felt like I needed to perform. And I am realizing that you know there are so many aspects of my unmasked self that really do lend themselves to the job at SoulCycle. And as I'm allowing myself to be more authentic, like it's feeling easier to do. But I'm not gonna lie it was a struggle for a while. So some of the ways that that's been a struggle is just like, like realizing that I don't want to engage in conversation the same way that other people want to engage in conversation or in terms of if we say with communication, like I forced myself to communicate Sometimes when like, really, my whole entire brain just wants to be silent. Because somebody else is like asking me to communicate. And I've really realized that there are so many more times when, like, I would just prefer to like sit silently or be like Silent by myself, that's been interesting to kind of figure out and realize, and, again, it's been this whole process of giving myself permission for these things to actually, like, be okay. And not just believe that there's something wrong with me because this is what I'm craving. As I've stated, before, I'm dealing, I'm working with some like sensory detox, where I sit in a dark room with like an eye mask, and like noise cancelling headphones, and I just let my body be without stimulus, which that's been super helpful. I've really noticed how not in control of my body, I actually am. So one of the CO occurrences right with ADHD and autism is hypermobility. And I don't know that I am hyper mobile enough to get an EDS diagnosis. But I'm hyper mobile enough for it to impact, like the way that I live. And as a dancer, I was trained to be like, hyper vigilant about being in control of my body. And I think that served me in terms of like, being able to appear like, I am graceful, and I, you know, whatever. But like when I'm not hyper vigilant about that, and focused on it, like, I'm tripping over everything all the time. And like, it's like, I've always been clumsy, or less aware of my surroundings. But it's really like, elevated over the last six months where I'm just kind of noticing, to the degree to which I don't have proprioceptive awareness. That's been frustrating because it's felt like a regression. To me, I felt like there was a space where I actually like I, again, it was a lie. But like I performed, I functioned really, and I really high level of like having, like bodily control and having awareness of my environment. But the truth is, is like, it wasn't that and I talked about this, in terms of like, knowing whether or not you've acquired a skill or not, right by like, not focusing on it so much. And what I realized is that, like, I've been focusing so much on like holding my body together and being aware of my space. And that's been really honestly a distraction from so many other things. Because I'm trying to appear like I have it together all the time. And I'm letting that go a little bit. And that's been frustrating. Because I'm dropping things more, I'm running into things. The other day, I kicked a candle off the podium at SoulCycle. And like it shattered, right in the middle of class.
And, at first, when these kinds of things were happening more consistently, I was really hard on myself. And then I just kind of leaned into it being data, right, like, I'm just gonna lean into like learning about myself and like, honestly, understanding what it feels like to live in my body without trying to be so like, overly perfectionistic Lee controlling with every single thing that I do. And then the last thing that's been really interesting to kind of see is like, the difficulty that I actually have with executive function. And like, how to know what order to put things in to get tasks done, right, this systems that I've had in place all along that, right, I have, I've had to keep like a running tab in my head of like, this is the step and this is the next step. And this is the next step. Like all of this stuff that I was really just trying to do mentally, because like I thought I shouldn't be able to or it should be easier, the task is easy. So it has these steps and I should just know them. But for me, I don't know them for me every single time I'm up I'm approaching a task. It's like, I'm have to rethink about like how how do we execute this task? And I noticed how much of a strain that is and so thinking about like, How can I put like some other things in place that remind me of the, the order of a task, like when I take a shower, like do I need to have a checklist of the things visibly so I can like have a visual reminder taking my meds right like I have them in the same place every day. So I know when to take them but if anything kind of like changes in my day or if I don't come to my desk in the morning, I'm definitely gonna forget them. Things like that. This is where that like, sort of, if I if I do have these like CO diagnoses, this is where like they can kind of hide each other right? Because it seems like I have everything together because I do have these systems and that would be like Like the more autistic trait, but the ADHD side can't maintain systems. So they're kind of at odds with each other. And then there's this like sort of rigidity, where I'm trying to, like hold on to them. So for instance, like I taking the same route to work every day, so that I don't have to do the thing where my brain because if I don't do that, and I don't have that rigidity, then the other part of my brain is like, trying to figure out, like, how to map my way there. And I see things in this like, huge, like, overall picture of a map of the town and how I'm going to get places. And that's really exhausting. So like, anytime I have to do something new, I realized now why I don't like running errands at specific times, or going to new places. It's because it's not a part of my system slash the work that it takes for me to actually figure out how to complete that task. Because my brain is making a map of getting there getting home all the things in between. And if you're exhausted, just hearing me talk about it. Imagine how I feel, how I feel every day. Some of the like, other things that have been positive, I feel it's like one of them is that I feel like I have an answer for why I'm so tired all the time. Like when I see how much extra effort I've been putting in. It makes sense that I feel drained, like that is something that has been a positive. And then there are other things that like, I don't know, being good in a crisis, like this is one thing that like ADHD or is talked about is like, who as soon as there's a crisis, like that's my time to shine. And like, I've always known that about myself, like, as soon as everything goes fucking sideways, I'm like, let's go, it's go time, we've got this and all of a sudden, like, I have the ability to figure out what comes next what I can do. And that's a really mindfuck, too, because I said this to me, therapist, I'm like, I a crisis hits, and I am over performing. And then I'm mad at myself that I can't maintain that all the time. But again, like we're not supposed to necessarily be able to function like that, because not everything should feel like a crisis. But that's a whole nother conversation. But yeah, like some of these like, things about my personality, where I'm like, oh, is is that actually me or is that the disorder, and I hate even calling them disorders, but that's the way they're classified right now. But yeah, it's like is that near is that the disorder and like, honestly, I've rolled that around so much in my brain and tried to figure that out at the end of the day, it really doesn't fucking matter. But just know, like, if you're dealing with this, too, as a late diagnosed person, like these are some of the things that are going to come up like you are going to have sort of a grieving for the person that you thought you were going to be, right. Like, I thought I was going to turn into this person, and maintain that person through self help and all these things. And like, that's just never going to happen. And I get to grieve that. And I also get to embrace like, what all of that means, for me, realizing that specific parts of maybe like who you are, and how you operate, are actually attributed to the way that your brain works. And that that is seen as a deficit that is seen as a disorder as a problem. And we don't have to view it that way. But there's so much internalized ableism that we have to work through in order to let that go, and start to see ourselves as like not flawed. And that's definitely something that I've had to do. And I go back and forth with all the time and get really upset with myself when I feel like I need more support than I think I should need. And just have to realize that like, that's a voice in my head that doesn't belong to me. And then really learning how to, like, embrace all of the wonderful things that come along with this, these specific neuro types. And that's, I think, a little bit harder to do, I think that that work can be harder, especially again, because of that internalized ableism and the messages that we've been given our entire lives about, you know, how inconvenient we are for other people, right? And that's usually how these things are seen is like how disruptive Are you? How, how much are you impacting the people around you, but not necessarily like, how much of a struggle are you having throughout life. And so, when we start to do this work, it really needs to be done with such a high level of compassion for ourselves, and for the messages that we're going to have to
really interrogate and try to shift so that we can find the level of healing that we need to find for ourselves. And I'm gonna be honest, like, I don't feel like there is this I'm gonna reach a point where like, one day I'm just like, okay, as with any of The other things that I have going on being queer being a person of color, like there's existing in this world that was not really like set up for us to succeed, is always going to be a struggle, it's always going to have us questioning ourselves and whether or not there is something wrong with us. And really believing, like really actually believing that it's actually the way the world was set up, right, like not putting the responsibility on us, but actually putting it back on the world, like that's easier said than done. So I hope that me sharing some of this with you has been helpful. And whether or not you're kind of dealing with this sort of late diagnosis or, or not, I think that just the lessons of self acceptance, self authority, self appreciation, grieving, adjusting our expectations. And that's where grief comes in. Right? It's when my expectation is not matching the reality. There is a loss there somewhere. And so I need to grieve what that is. And support I feel like I've had I've not specifically from people necessarily like yes, my therapist, yes, this new neurodivergent coach that I'm working with, but the resources so listening to divergent conversations, listening to audio, audio HD flourishing with Mattia, who we had on the podcast, there's this other podcast called The neurodivergent woman, women's podcast. And obviously, the things that they're talking about are geared toward women, but it's also women in an atypical presentations of ADHD, and autism and everything in between. Because there are plenty of men and non binary people, people of color who presented in a typical way, which is why we are missed, were missed, because we don't present like that, you know, young white says boy, who's displaying symptoms that people have deemed, again, inconvenient or atypical for, like normal, quote, unquote, development. And when you are someone who is in a space where you're not allowed to freely be yourself like this is, this is where the queer journey and the neuro, the neuro divergent journey kind of converge, is that when you're growing up in a society, in a house, where, like who you are, is not honored and valued. You learn how to hide all of it. So you're not showing up the same way. Right? Like, I was way more behaved than my older brother, who presented more typically. And he's not diagnosed, but like, I mean, my sister is I am okay. Right. Like, it's genetic. And I'm not gonna diagnose him, obviously, but like, you know, would be weird if he wasn't. But yeah, like he presented more typically. But he also would have potentially gotten the label of gifted. So there's a whole thing there to where that can hide some of the, like, lack and deficiency, especially in younger kids, they appear very capable. And at a very young age, very smart overall, and that hide some of the places where they have issues. So anyway, um, that's why we get missed, though. And so, like, really understanding that, that's a part of the journey to have being okay. With the fact that this was late this happened later in life, you've gone through so much to try to figure yourself out. And like finding support around that is one of the most important things that you can do. So if it is just resources, like my podcast, or some of the podcasts that I've mentioned, especially if you are someone who would maybe present in an atypical way, seeking out those specific resources as well, because you need to feel seen, you need to feel like you're absorbing things that and looking at things and reading things that speak to your experience, and that's going to be one of the most supportive things you can do for yourself. Like that's where I feel like I've gotten so much like confidence and I feel seen and I feel like there's an example of what's possible with what I've got going on is by seeking out those experiences of others that like I can see myself in in that mirror My own. And I just want to say one last thing about diagnosis whether to get diagnosed or not get diagnosed. Like, I can't answer that for you. But what I can say is, like, the coach in me wants to ask you some questions. Right? So what is the purpose of the diagnosis? Like, what is that going to do for you? Specifically with ADHD, I wanted to explore medication. That was a really strong reason why I was seeking diagnosis was to treat it medically, with drugs, to be honest. And I feel like that's been, like really successful for me. So that might be one reason why you want to also seek diagnosis. Another reason was just like, I wanted to not feel crazy, like, you know, we don't use the C word. But it's maddening when you're, you've had these issues your entire life. And people are like, well, you're just depressed, and you're just anxious. And it's like, yeah, I'm fucking depressed and anxious, like I've been living in a world that is a really hard for me to thrive in. And that's going to be depressing for pretty much anybody in terms of autism. Because it's so difficult to get a diagnosis for that. Choosing to go through that lengthy process, again, what's the purpose, if you're looking for some kind of accommodation, from the government or your job or whatever, that could be another reason, but also understand that in the workplace, like the way the world is set up, yes, we're supposed to have protections for so many things. But when we start becoming inconvenient to other people, they don't want to give us exceptions, they don't want to give us help, they just want to move us out. And I was having this discussion with friends of mine who have children in the school systems right now that are advocating for accommodations for their children. And you would think that initially, right, they would go to the schools and the schools would like want to, like, do everything they can. But the truth is, the schools are just so like, overrun with, with like lack of support, and there's not enough teachers, and there's not enough anything to go around. And so if you have a child that is like high masking, or, you know, doesn't present a huge problem, remember, we get diagnosed based on how inconvenient we are to other people, if you're not being an inconvenience, and there is another kid who is like, really showing signs and really being like, quote, unquote, disruptive to the environment like that, that kid's gonna get more resources, and they're just going to try to move your kid along through the system, and like, move them to the next grade. It's like, well, you're almost out of, you know, this kid's almost out of elementary school, it's going to be the middle schools problem. Like, let's just try to get them move them along. Right. So that's the same culture we have in the workplace, like people aren't necessarily like psyched about trying to give you accommodations. It's more like, okay, how can we now that we know that this person is presenting this way? And it's inconvenient to ask, let's find a way to actually move them out of the company, right? So like, really think about that before you're seeking out a diagnosis if you want accommodation?
And you could also get a diagnosis and not have it disclosed anywhere. So that's another thing. But self diagnosis and self identification are very much regarded highly in the Autistic community. Because of all of these things, and let's be honest, like there's a lot online right now about like, why is everybody having a DD ADHD all of a sudden, like, Why does everybody have autism all of a sudden, or is autistic all of a sudden? And that's a whole nother thing like which language you use person first, or like diagnosis? First, we're not having that conversation today, you get to identify however you want to identify. I'm not here to tell you how to identify and I'm sorry, like, I'm not here to offend you either. Everyone gets to choose their choice around that. And it's nobody's business. And we also don't need to make other people wrong for using language that we wouldn't use for ourselves. That's a whole coaching conversation that we don't need to get into. Or we could get into another episode, but it's very unlikely if you are, if you're like, resonating with the material that you're seeing online, no one is going to change choose to have these diagnoses, no one's going to choose for their life to be harder, right? Because there's still so much stigma around all of these things. No one chooses that, right? So if you're resonating with it, if it's all make if it's making your experience, like, more clear to you, and you're like, oh, wow, this is explaining so many things that I just didn't have an answer for. Like, again, the CO occurrence of certain things like, for me, like the hypermobility, the lack of interoceptive and proprioceptive, awareness, the sensory issues, the inability to like, regulate my emotions, the lack of understanding around my emotions, because of the lack of interoceptive awareness, like all of these things, like checking all of these boxes, it's like, oh, this is starting to explain that all of this stuff is CO occurring under these umbrellas. And that's making it clear for me, okay, good. That helps me understand myself. But at the same time, if you're seeking out support from a psychiatrist, or in my case, a psych nurse, like, I'm highly masking. So I've, I've had this conversation with my therapist, so many times, especially in regard to when I was first being medicated for depression and anxiety. I'm like, I go in there. And I seem like I'm fine. And I don't know how to communicate that I'm not fine. Because what you see externally is not matching my internal experience. But I don't know how to talk about it. And doing this research online. And in podcasts, all of that has helped me find language to explain my experience. So when I went to my ADHD evaluation, she was very much like, oh, yeah, this is tracking, but it's because I finally found the information and the language to be able to explain what I was experiencing, on the other hand, bringing up some of the other stuff that was more consistent with autism. She was like, Well, I mean, we would have to really diagnose that if when you're a child, so there's no sense in pursuing that. And that tells me right there that this person is not someone who is up to date on the information around autism, and like how to actually parse out whether it's OCD, autism, complex trauma, other things about, you know, that come up with ADHD Matea was talking about potentially how we would one day maybe move away from having separate classifications for ADHD and autism. And I agree with them on that, like, it's possible, we need to reevaluate that we're not there yet. So but that showed me that this person I was talking to wasn't really up on current information. Because then when I working with this clinician, who does evaluations and is also a coach, she's able to see the presentation that this other person's not seeing, that's a typical that in her mind, my psych nurse, like, it's not possible for us to determine that right. So that can be frustrating, too. I also had a friend who went to seek evaluation for ADHD and it was white man, and I hate to say this, but it is it is true. They This is what happens. Evaluating a woman and his first thing was like, Yeah, anxiety, depression, I'm looking at bipolar. And that's just classic, that women who come in seeking ADHD diagnoses oftentimes get a bipolar diagnosis before they get an ADHD diagnosis, which is interesting, because on the neurodivergent woman's podcast, they just had on someone who is bipolar, and she said, it can take eight to nine years to actually get a bipolar diagnosis. So it's just all crazy. No one knows what the fuck they're doing. It's all made up anyway. But being really clear about your motivations, around like, what you're seeking. And if you think that, like finding out this piece of information that maybe you are confirming this piece of information that you already knew, is going to, like magically transform your life. We all know, based on the conversations we have here, that hearing the words you have ADHD, or you're autistic, like from someone who's evaluating you, is a circumstance and it's going to change your life to the degree that like, you have a relationship with those words, and what they mean to you. And we do get to decide what those words and diagnoses mean for us. My therapist doesn't like to talk in diagnosis because he thinks it's really pathologizing and on one hand, I completely understand that and I don't want to feel pathologized reworked very much on like self compassion. Passion. And just like owning our owning the experience that I'm having, and letting it be okay, and re parenting myself, etc. But it was helpful to hear those words. So take that as you will. But if we go based on my friend, she talked to the psychiatrist, they, she went away a few weeks came back, and she was like, you know, I am more aware of my experience now. And I really do think that it's ADHD, and I want to like talk about that. And he was like, You know what, let's do it. And he, like, did a bunch of other like diagnostic things, evaluate evaluative things, tests, etc, they ruled out bipolar, and she eventually got her ADHD diagnosis. So, you know, it can take some time and self advocacy. And that's exhausting as well. And so, you know, arming yourself with as much information as possible, we still have to do a lot of work, we're already doing more work than the typical person. And we have to do more work. And that can feel exhausting to. So if you're not like, in a place where you feel like you can manage that hurt feels like a, like a load that you can take on focus first on feeling better focus first, on really giving yourself permission to explore what your actual needs are, because that's been sort of the biggest, most profound thing for me, it's like, what are my actual needs? What are the things that I have been telling myself for the last 42 years that like, I don't need or shouldn't need, and really trying to get more in touch with my actual internal experience so that I can explain it when I go into these scenarios where I'm looking for the support from them. Because again, I'm so high masking that everyone thinks that like, I'm a neurotypical person, like, there's no one who would who meets me. Also people think I'm an extrovert, but I mirror people. Like, when I'm with other people, I take on aspects of their personality, and I mirror them. And that's a super artistic thing. So when I'm matching somebody else, it seems like I'm just like them. So if I'm matching, a neurotypical person, they're seeing me like them I'm presenting, I'm mirroring themselves back to them. And they're just like, Oh, you're just like me? And I'm like, I'm really not. So yeah, so that's helping again, to just like, me, helping me identify, like, what is my constant self. And that was really, like, frustrating and sad. And all these things for a while I was like, I don't think I know. Like, who my constant self is, and I'm trying to, you know, figure that out. And sometimes I have better days around that than others. So this is a journey that is going to take you on a roller coaster of emotions, and just be prepared for that. All right, friends, I hope that you will get to finish out 2023 with a bang. I am teaching a soul cycle ride on the 31st and actually one on the first two, but my ride on the 31st is a survivor so it's a 60 minute ride. We're gonna like tear it up in there. I hope that you're going to celebrate in some way to have an amazing, amazing week. Happy New Year and I will talk to you in 2024